Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
first you must answer his riddles
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.