Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
lol
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir