WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
me
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My time has come.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*