Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure