The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Florida be like…
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Lube but for my dry humor.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The three genders.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”