Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.