And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
my first day as a raccoon
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.