Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.