I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My new favorite headline
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit