How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Finally, a door that understands me
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Oh yeh? Explain this then
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…