Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry