“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.