Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
🤣dope
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce