HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
For the orator and chef in all of us
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
peep davidson
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My five year plan is a meteorite