My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead