Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.