Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.