Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
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Hitlers gonna hitl
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”