INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
umm…
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
#Caturday
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.