someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that