Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My inexpensive home security system…