alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
“You’d better run, egg!”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”