But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened