Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow