[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!