girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
adding to the discourse
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.