my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
You Might Also Like
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.