[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.