Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy