If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You Might Also Like
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.