I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Hero horse inspires millions
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast