What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Missionary, so we can keep arguing