“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
OH. COME. ON.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Last-minute gift idea!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
tinder is all about the long game
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.