Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂