Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.