Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses