This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
this is me
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My work here is done
Monday
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean