spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Yes
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I have so many questions.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.