It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
yes… yes…
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.