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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.