You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?