DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit