(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
PLEASE READ
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
He’s dead
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.