all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.