Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.