Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”