[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
You Might Also Like
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Barbie gone wild
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out