ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
how it started vs how it ended
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.