Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos