If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.